Ordinarily I would start a film review post with a spoiler alert, but honestly, the only thing that would "spoil" your enjoyment of 2012 is if you paid money to see it. Luckily, one of my besties paid for my ticket, so the only thing I lost out on was those 2+ hours of my life that I'll never get back.
We saw a preview for the new suped up, hollywoodified Sherlock Holmes movie. On the plus side Robert Downey Jr plays Holmes. On the very, very, very minus side that movie ruiner Jude Law plays Watson. On balance Law sucks more than Downey Jr shines, so I shan't be writing a review of Sherlock Holmes any time soon.
Back to 2012. The lameness begins in the first scene when we meet Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a geological scientist, watching the earth's core bubbling up through a manhole in India. The plot gets less plausible from this point. Woody Harrelson plays a hillbilly conspiracy theorist maddy and John Cusack, who I'm sure we all agree is a lovely chap, plays the unlikely hero who has been thrown into the eye of the catastrophe movie storm.
The plot goes like this: bigger than usual sun spots are superheating the earth's core and causing the earth's crust to break up. Along comes Adrian Helmsley with an urgent report for one of the US government's top men. For some reason they take him seriously straight away and start building big ships in China. Meanwhile, John Cusack takes his kids camping at Yellowstone and runs into Woody Harrelson, which is bad enough, but Woody's character turns out to be a plot device and tells John about the fate of the planet and that the go'ment is trying to cover it all up. John Cusack decides the best course of action is to round up the family and head to China! What else? Danny Glover plays the President, who goes down with his ship/country and there is a pointless side story about John's character being a writer. Yawn. It's the other annoying touches that really finished 2012 off for me, like one of the characters is a British scientist who wears a lab coat and walks with a limp and a cane. Cliched much? Anyway, they all get on the boats, run into the Himilayas and a month later the earth has reconfigured itself and they all sail off into the sunset.
There are annoying kiddies, dull heart felt moments and the most unbelievable plot since Roland Emmerich's last crockbuster. He also directed 10,000BC, The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, Godzilla, Independence Day and Stargate. I haven't seen 10,000BC or The Patriot but as with the rest of Emmerich's films you really don't need to. Having said that, I really quite liked The Day After Tomorrow but I may have been distracted by that dishy Jake Gyllenhaal. There are touches of The Poseidon Adventure and every other disaster movie I've ever seen, and basically its The Day After Tomorrow all over again but with fire instead of ice.
My friend and I exchanged "this movie really sucks' " several times during 2012. And for anyone who has seen it, the line "no more pull-ups" had me retching into my handbag. Recommended for ... well no one!
2 weeks ago
4 comments:
A fine review, I laughed, I cried, I felt like I was right there with you... but Woody Harrelson on the billing didn't suggest imminent shitness to you before you purchased your ticketo, hmm?
Foolishly I didn't screen for Woody Harrelson's presence before entering the cinema.
I thought John Cusack did an admirable job of keeping a straight face the entire time in a similar way Rob Downey did in Ironman. Actors of high calibre down on their luck in the GFC are going cheap and lend a certain je ne sais quoi to the action film genre, n'est ce pas?
Oui!
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